I don't know whether I was to cry or vomit.
INT. NINA'S BEDROOM - EARLY MORNING
I don't know whether I was to cry or vomit.
I'm in the middle of writing a scene in my screenplay -- one of the hardest scenes, emotionally. It's the scene where the father of my main character (Ryan) finds out that Ryan has been hiding his "gay" relationship. Gay is in quotes because it just makes it easier to explain -- the screenplay takes place in a world where homosexuality is the dominant sexual preference, so technically, he's "straight"...but for understanding purposes, we'll just go with "real world" terms.
RYAN = Main character
JULIE = Ryan's love interest
JARED = the Mayor, also Ryan's father
ALEXANDER = Ryan's dad (mother figure)
EILEEN = Julie's mother, also the pastor of the church
Anyway, the father finds out that he is gay -- finds him half-naked in the room with Julie, his girlfriend (which, again, in this world, is a BIG no-no). Alexander takes Julie upstairs and has her call her mother. Eileen tells Alexander to keep Julie there and make her watch Ryan get beaten so she'll learn her lesson. Jared continues to beat Ryan, forcing him to look at Julie and recite a bible passage (Proverbs 26:11 --- "As a dog returns to its vomit, so a fool repeats his folly.") over and over again.
I feel sick to my stomach. I want to cry. I want to scream at the world. I want someone to hold me and tell me that everything is going to be okay. I love my screenplay, and feel as though it is a part of me -- an extention of me, a piece of my heart and soul. When Ryan gets beaten, I feel it. When Julie cries, I feel it. When Jared beats Ryan -- I feel that, too. I feel disgusting. I feel dirty. I feel competely and utterly alone. I just want it to be over and done with -- but I can't cry. Because if I cry, I can't write. And I'll get sleepy -- and I have to be awake for court in 3 hours -- so I can't and shouldn't sleep.
My heart aches. I keep trying to tell myself that it's not real -- but to me, it is. These characters are my friends. They've been with me for months in actual form -- but with me all of my life. I'd like to think that this happens to other people -- but I have a feeling that I am alone in this pain. This agony. I just want it to be over. But it won't be until I finish writing.
My pillow looks like it needs a good hug. Or maybe that's just me.
posted by Nina S. Firooz @ 4:35 AM
1 Comments:
Hey Nina,
Thanks so much for your comment on my blog, it is very much appreciated! The first thing I thought of as I read this post, was Nina needs to read the Grey Matter blog (from the writers of Grey's Anatomy), specifically the "From Shonda: It's the end of the episode (as we know it)" post, here's the link: http://www.greyswriters.com/2006/02/index.html, you'll need to scroll down about half way to find the post itself. Shonda Rhymes writes about having the same sort of reaction to her own script that you've written about here. I'm sorry you feel so awful (there's a lot of that going around, huh?) but I believe it is the sign of a great writer that you do feel that way. Take care, good luck!
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